Mudbloods and Bubblebaths
by Enigma Ladies
Summary: Oneshot. Draco's PoV. Awesomeness. The first one we wrote. The next, Purebloods and Bubblebaths, will be posted a bit later, and it is from Hermione's PoV. Funny stuff in these, baby. DracoxHerione


**Disclaimer: We don't own anything but plot, and literary licences.**

Mudbloods and Bubblebaths

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I stared into space, resisting the urge to gouge my eye out with my wand. "God, potions is boring…" I muttered to nobody in particular.

"Hey, 'Mione." I heard that idiot Weasley say, "Go get us some horntoad stomachs from the big cauldron." I blinked as the girl with unruly hair, the stupid mudblood, stood and rolled her eyes.

"Yes, master." She grimaced. I wish she would say that to me…wait a minute! What the bloody hell am I thinking? I shook my head and stared down at my closed book trying to forget my last few thoughts. The next time I looked up, Granger was at the cauldron, bending over to get some ingredients from the very bottom. Her skirt rode up a bit, accentuating her curvy long legs. I felt heat creep up my neck to my cheeks and swiftly shook my head. What the Merlin is wrong with me?

"Hey, Mudblood!" I called, "Go back to your brothel; nobody wants to see your ugly ass!" I sat back proudly as the other Slytherins around me chortled. Granger stood up straight and turned slowly to face me. Damn, she's kinda hot when she's pissed…wait a sec…argh! Stop it brain!

"Well, Malfoy." She said and walked back to her table, "It's interesting to know you were, how should I phrase this, 'checking me out.'" And she actually smirked at me. I felt the heat returning to my face as my fellow Slytherins fell silent.

"It's kinda hard to miss something that bulbous and disgusting." I snapped back, hoping she didn't notice the blush I could feel slowly taking over my cheeks. Her eyes narrowed as she glared at me.

"That's a little funny, coming from you, Malfoy. Considering you have a nose the size of a Hippogriff's wang." Everyone stared at her. I had never heard Granger use such language. Potty and Weasel were gaping at her. I had to fight to keep my mouth closed. I gave her a smug grin.

"That's not all I have the size of a Hippogriff's wang." I winked at her, just to see how it would affect her. When she blushed instead of getting angry I was very surprised and, though I hate to admit it, pleased.

"That's not what Crabbe and Goyle say." She said very seriously. Shit. I'm going to get her for that. I stood so quickly I knocked my chair over backwards. She just took it too far! I hardly noticed that everyone in the room was silent and still, including the substitute, Professor Grishly. I tried desperately to think of a retort, but there was nothing good enough. So I went for violence.

"INCENDIO!" I screamed and waved my wand. Her skirt burst in flames. She screamed. I laughed. The sub freaked out as Granger tried to put out the fire. Potter dumped their cauldron's content onto her, dousing the flames. I roared with laughter as her makeup smeared and slimy parts slid down her face and body. She gazed at me with hurt and tearful eyes and I actually felt…bad. What the hell?

"MISTER MALFOY!" Professor Grishly yelled. I turned to him and grinned, "DETENTION! After dinner, here." Goody.

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Detention had been hell. Stupid Professor Grishly had made me write an essay on the effectiveness of healing potions and I had to remake Potter's wasted batch. It was after eleven that night by the time I got out of there and began to head back to the tower I shared with idiot Granger. How did I get stuck with her as Head Girl? Ugh.

I was walking down a corridor when I heard singing coming from behind a door and I realized it was the prefect's bathroom. I pressed my ear against the oak and listened. It was a girl. I couldn't tell what she was singing but the voice sounded familiar…and then it hit me.

I threw the door open so hard it banged against the inside wall of the bathroom. I yelled on the top of my lungs, "GRANGER!"

Through the steam and mist I saw her jump in the water. She screamed and flailed all the way to the edge of the tub where she grabbed a towel and jerked it in and around herself. "What the fuck are you doing, Malfoy!" She screamed. I glared at her.

Her hair came in soft waves framing her cute face. Her deep brown eyes held so much hatred I almost flinched. "Get out." She said firmly.

"No." I replied, "And WHAT did Crabbe and Goyle tell you?"

She laughed, "You think I'd actually talk to them? THOSE idiots? But from how you phrased that, I'm guessing they are your…lovers." I felt my eyes bulge in my head. Hell no!

"NO THEY AREN'T!" I yelled and slammed the door behind me. No use getting detention again. I waved my wand around the room and muttered, "Muffliato."

"Why did you have to go and make unnecessarily rude comments about me?" she demanded. I rolled my eyes.

"Because." I said as if it was plain as day, "You're a mudblood." If there hadn't been so much mist from her bubblebath, I might have seen steam come out her ears she was so angry.

"And you're an asshole!" she snapped back, "But that doesn't mean I make comments about you!"

"HYPOCRITE!" I snarled, "You were making comments about my nose! AND my dick!"

"You started it!" she pointed out, "You had to go and say something about my ass! I'm self-conscious about it anyway!" We were arguing so heatedly I didn't think before I opened my mouth.

"WHY! You have a great ass!" The room fell deathly silent. I think I could actually hear the bubbles popping. Granger blinked at me for a long time and her cheeks suddenly looked a lot more flushed than when I first came in. I could feel a blush on my own face as well.

"Um…" she splashed her hands awkwardly in the water. Shitshitshitshitshitshit. I turned and put my hand on the doorknob.

"Wait." She said. I waited. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Why did I say that? Why the fuckidy hell did I say that? She doesn't have a nice ass. Yes she does…and she's in a bathtub…naked. Shit. SHIT. I had a problem…down south.

"Do you really think that?" she asked softly. She sounded more suspicious than curious. Damn.

"…Um." I turned my head slightly to glance back at her. She had moved to the side of the tub closest to me. Oh God…she's so cute. DAMN MY BRAIN FOR THINKING THAT! I heard myself say, "Yes." NOOOOO! My mouth has gone renegade! I rested my forehead against the door and began to bang it against the wood. OH NO! DIRTY PUN! Don't think of Granger, don't think of Granger, don't think of the fact that Granger is ten feet away from you, naked except for the towel. Soft skin….OH NO! Something heavy and wet smacked against my head. Hot water dripped down my back as the towel slipped to the floor. No more towel. Not good. I turned around.

"What the hell was that for?" I hissed, still trying to think of other things. Dead puppies, dead puppies, DEAD PUPPIES!

"To get you to stop hitting your head on the door." She said, scanning me and blushing brighter when her gaze went south. Her dark eyes snapped up to my own grey-blue ones and she sank down into the water till only her eyes and top of her head were visible. I want her, I thought. NO! No I don't. I closed my eyes. I couldn't want a mudblood. Could I? I opened my eyes and she was still watching me. She blinked and a drop of water was caught on her thick lashes. I slid to the floor and sat Indian style at the edge of the pool-like tub. I'm coming undone…

She raised up a bit, "Draco…are you okay?" I nodded. Wait…she just called me Draco… The water on her lashes was getting on my nerves. I leaned forward with my hand extended. She backed up a bit and then stopped, watching me. I stretched further and placed my other hand on the edge of the tub. It was wet. And slippery.

The next thing I knew I was in the tub, sputtering the water from my lungs. Hermione…I mean Granger, had backed up several feet and looked nervous. When she spoke her voice wavered, "Get out, Draco."

But something in the way she said it told me to stay. Somehow I felt she didn't want me to go. And then I was moving. I had lost all control of my thoughts and movements. I grabbed her wrist under the water and pulled her to me. She squeaked when our chests bumped up against one another. Her skin was so soft. She stared into my eyes.

"Tell me to leave." I murmured. Part of me was willing her to tell me to leave. I would have. But the rest of me tied up the intelligent thoughts and threw them away. I just wanted to hold her. For a long time we stared at each other in silence. And then she shook her head. Uh-oh. I walked forward until I had her pressed against the side of the tub. I leaned down until my lips hovered just above hers. When I spoke they brushed together and a soft moan came from her throat, "Just say the word, Hermione, and I'll leave."

And then she kissed me. Guess I was staying.

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